The Way of TODAY (by God!)

Ever tried tying yourself to your chair, in a desperate bid to finish the task at hand? "Desperate times call for desperate measures," right? So I've brought not one but two fresh, hot beverages with me to my desk this morning, and -- God help me! -- I've redeployed my custom-painted silk neck scarf as something of a tether, to bind my left elbow loosely to the arm of the chair. Let the dog bark, let the doorbell ring; come hell or high water, I'm not getting up from this chair until I've clicked "Publish Post" below. So there.

OK, I don't want to use the B-word -- you know, as in "writer's b _ _ _ _" -- but I have been trying to write this [more unmentionable words] chapter for weeks now, this one called Way #18: Lay a Feast for the Muses. Yeegadz, had the Muses truly been coming for dinner, imagine! I'd be frantically dialing the 9-1-1 of pizza delivery services about now. How tacky would THAT be?

Did you ever see the film, "Adaptation," in which the screenwriter Charlie Kaufman struggles with the task of adapting Susan Orlean's The Orchid Thief for the big screen? Oh man, I laughed 'til I cried -- or did I cry 'til I laughed? Either way, it was painfully humorous to watch Charlie Kaufman's character (a screenwriter named Charlie Kaufman) go through his mental, emotional, psychological and sometimes even physical contortions to get the job done. I remember telling my therapist about the scenes in which he's bent over his 1980s-era typewriter, fingers poised -- yeah, more like fingers paralyzed! -- while, in voiceover, his thoughts stray...

"I wish I had some coffee," he thinks. "Yeah, coffee and a muffin... Wait. I should get some writing done and then go get coffee and a muffin... as a reward. Yeah, that's what I'll do." [long pause, fingers still idle, pause... pause........]

"...Banana-Nut, that's a good muffin."

God, I laughed! I have SO been there. I have SO done that. Same with a later scene: Bent over his typewriter again, this time Charlie bursts into a frenzy of typing, while in voiceover he narrates his script's opening line, something about an old-model pickup truck hurtling down a dirt road in Florida's Everglades and turning right at a sign for a nature conservancy (or thereabouts). At the end of this single sentence, our hapless hero sits back from his keyboard, heaves a heavy sigh and says out loud, "I need a break!"

Any writers in the room? Raise your hand if you've been there, done that? You know I'd raise mine, too, but it's tied to the chair just now.

OK, so I told my therapist about these scenes from "Adaptation," together with my confession that this is ME all over the place. She smiled and nodded, knowingly (the way therapists always do, right?). Then, by golly, she earned her long dollars as a professional therapist by saying, "Well, at least he keeps putting himself in the position. He's struggling, to be sure, but he keeps trying, keeps showing up, keeps sitting there in front of his typewriter."

YESS! And I've got another name for it. What Kaufman's neurotic (yet exemplary) character keeps doing in that movie is.... LAYING A FEAST FOR THE MUSES! Because, not to gross anybody out or anything, but when you're hosting a feast for the Muses, the question is not "what's on the menu?" but rather "who?" And the answer, dear one, is always YOU!

Newcomers to this blog may be interested to know that I've been developing this book idea, 50 Ways to Leave Your 40s, for more than five years now. I've been gathering ideas, talking to people, entering writing contests with the proposal, shopping it around to agents and editors. I even upgraded my desktop computer and bought a laptop -- equipping myself, making myself perfectly ready to write the book. I want -- I need -- all available Muses to hover near. So all these years, I have been putting together the best possible, most delicious, visually appealing, awe-inspiring, nutritionally balanced, gloriously celebratory (albeit metaphorical) FEAST that I could possibly muster, so as to wine and dine the divine nine, Los Muses!

So, after signing a book deal with New World Library before Christmas (and considering that such a deal made my feast-laying preparations complete), I chose this chapter, Way #18: Lay a Feast for the Muses, as one of the first chapters I'd write. And yet, the chapter wouldn't come. Try as I might -- this way, that way, every which way but loose -- the words just would not flow! The chapter refused to be tamed!

Now, this week, as I'm welcoming "the good doctor" Peggy Spencer into this project (Welcome again, Peg, and thank you for your WILLINGNESS & READINESS-- two more yummy treats for the gods!), it occurs to me: Maybe the reason this chapter wouldn't come together is that I had not quite finished laying the feast yet.

Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? Well, whether you are or not, I was in no way surprised, when I took the test, to learn that I am (as I like to put it) "OFF-THE-CHARTS EXTROVERTED." Anyone who knows me knows that. I am a TALKER. I am what today's educators would call (as they do in the cases of both of my children) "high-verbal." ALLLLLL this to say (in my high-verbal way), that I should have known that I needed an assistant on this project. I have needed someone to bounce ideas off of. I have needed someone to talk to about it. I have needed, well, someone to help me lay a feast this royal.

In "Adaptation," Charlie Kaufman invents a twin brother for himself, one who is every bit as easy-going as Charlie himself is neurotic. I hope I've found as good a balance in the thankfully-NOT-invented Peg Spencer.

Well, lookie here. I'm gonna click "Publish," untie my scarf and go fetch my high-verbal kids from school. More soon, I promise.

Sheila - you did it! The Way of TODAY (by God!) !! You are SO FUNNY! Tied yourself to the chair with a silk scarf, did ya? I love it.

Thank you for your kind words about me. I am SO HERE for you, my friend. This will be a glorious feast!

Love,

Peg